BP13 - 4 JUN 2009 : KHAMIS

Suami drove Amzar to Nilai to catch his first day of class. The ladies (Kak Erah & her infamous M-blogger) went off the house to their gathering earlier than me & Aiman because they were going all the way to Shah Alam.

After sending Aiman I went to Abang Em's house, but surprise... surprise Kak Hana was home. It seemed Nizam, Abang Halim & Kak Zainab wanted to visit T.Mak. So, she didn't think it would be fair for me in my current condition be playing host. I had to say that I agreed.

So... here I was at another difficult part that I had to go through. Facing my mother for the first time with my situation.
She was at the table having breakfast.
She looked at me & she could not hide her maternal instinct of feeling so bad-sad for what had happened to me, her daughter.
T.Mak always have things together in front of us when it comes to buffering whatever bad things that besieged us, her 9 children!
Being a mother myself, I understand how we mothers have to put up with these sorts of fronts.
However, in her condition of being a stroke patient (since late 2007), she could not play her part well.
She was so sad & I could see tears in her eyes.
And I was so sad that my condition was causing her this raw pain that was written all over her face.
To be honest, for the first time ever since 23 May... I felt like crying.
She asked simply, "Apa mulanya? Demam?" & she mentioned something about it being termed as balawa'(berlawa?) in Banjar.
Mentioned about mesti urut.
I hugged & kissed her... then, told her that I was ok.

I tried to change the subject & I suceeded a bit, i.e. she forgot about it for a while.
Then, she noticed the face again & she was hurt all over again.
The stroke had caused T.Mak not to be able to make generally any new memories, at all.
She had one of those rare cases that her stroke specifically hit the area to convert new info as memory!
It means that she could 'learn' new information but it didn't get stored.
So, it also means that every experience is a new thing to her, i.e. she didn't get desensitize by previous info on a situation.
Thus, if it is a hurtful experience -- it would be 'first cut' for her each time!

Luckily, *Kak Ha & Abang Zul also came to take away some of T.Mak's attention to other matters.
(*Kak Ha passed shbt Azizan's salam & doa to me. TQ, InsyaAllah doa dimakbulkan)

Back to T.Mak & her reaction to my Bell's Palsy... it seemed she did discussed more about it with Kak Ha, because before Kak Ha left she told me that T.Mak said, I should go for urut.
When Kak Ha & Abang Zul left, T.Mak was looking at me with that sad look again.
Oh God... this is difficult.
When she went into the room to take a nap, I took a nap on the sofa at the living room.
Escapism!

I was at the place till Nizam & parents came. By then, T.Mak's attention was fully focused on making sure the visitors were well taken care of.
Since they had the experience with Mak Aji (eldest sister of T.Mak. My mother is the youngest amongst her siblings), they understood her insistence that they had not tambah their makanan, etc.
Situations that had happened but T.Mak had no re-collections of the matter.
The late Mak Aji was diagnosed as having Alzheimer's Disease (another neuro disease!). Although T.Mak does not have Alzheimer's Disease, some of the symptoms due to her *stroke are rather similar.
(*To divert a bit... teaching the course Diseases of the Nervous System last semester was emotionally difficult for me. T.Mak was with me until the last day of the semester. There were times I felt like crying & I had to keep my emotion checked when the matter being discussed / lectured was very much about what my mother was going through. In fact, I thought if only the students could meet T.Mak, then they would appreciate the subject better, etc.)

By the time the visitors left, Suami had called to inform that we couldn't go to TS Hospital on Saturday because it would be closed due to Agong's birthday. I have an appointment at UMMC on Friday afternoon, thus, I would have to go for my second session today & have it delayed till next week.

Aiman was already sent by Pak Mat Des & had his lunch. So, we drove home & waited for Amzar to turn up before asking Pak Mat Des to send us to TS Hospital.

At this visit, I was not asked to go to the consultation room anymore, but straight to the treatment room.
The doctor saw me there: took my pulse & asked me to stick out my tounge.
I really should ask him why I had to do the latter.
Again... the needles on the right foot, right arm & right face!
So, this time Amzar helped Aiman counted the needles... still 21 but now there was 1 needle put on my left forehead.
During the first session the needles were only on my right face.
I felt as if the focus this time, based on the tingling feel, was on the area near the cheek?
Oh yes, for the follow up session the charge was $22 :)

Once done, Pak Mat Des drove us straight back. We did stop at Yasin Restaurant, all around... mee mamak & ice lemon tea.

We took home some mee mamak to lapik perut Suami before we go for Maghrib at the nearby mosque. We joined other individuals who also had requests / hajat with the Majlis Baca Yasin Khamis malam Jumaat.
Only then I thought of sending sms to the 2 boys in NeuroRG & shbt Halim. Agak lambat.

Before going I also insisted that T.Ayah's name was not to be mentioned; suffice that I would be isteri to Suami.
However, Suami had already given my full name to the Imam a few days ago.
When we arrived at the mosque, I happened to met shbt Pak Kob (mantan top management team). So, showed him the face.

Later, I didn't join the dinner downstairs at the hall, itself, but stayed on at the prayer area.
I wasn't sure that I would be up to making conversations. As one of the hosts, the kenduri food was packed for us to take home.
It seemed Abang Em managed to be at the mosque for Isya'.
Suami told me later, when he changed the details on me, the Ustaz who lead the prayer introduced himself as someone who had studied in Al-Ulum & of course knew T.Ayah.
Deep down I was glad.

Muga diperkenankan doa-doa hamba Mu, Ya ALLAH.

I ate the packed food with Kak Erah & her infamous blogger friend. Discussed a bit on results for the day & the calons for the bigger posts of their gathering.
We also decided also that the next time I met T.Mak, I would just say that my face was stung by the bee :)

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qNx7ggPTLc&feature=related

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Y5GpYQSpVQ&feature=related


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BP12 - 3 JUN 2009 : RABU

In the morning, I took a ride with Suami to the department. Alhamdulillah, my work place is really on his rumah-kerja way. A few things I need to settle with the group.

Siti Salwa wanted to give me air zam-zam brought back home by one of her Arab student from umrah.
However, this had to wait since I didn't really want to menyusahkan Ida to drive me to Siti Salwa's place. Anyway, I still have the bottle of air zam-zam that Ida had given me late last Friday.
Actually, Ida had made arrangement to pick me up after 10.30am so that I could accompany her booked beadings for baju kenduri. Mana lagi... AMCORP!
More shopping, including 2 cotton blouses for Kak Ijah & Kak Erah (buy 1 free 1 & the ones left were their sizes) who would be coming with T.Mak from kampung, also a tout bag similar to my wallet. Bought some extra fun food in preparation of *T.Mak going to be in Abang Em's place.
(*wherever she would be, the place would be visited by warga PP in the Klang Valley!)

Ida & I had sandwich at Subway. This was after she reluctantly told me that's where she wanted to go. She was scared that I would find it difficult to eat the sandwich! Well, betul maybe susah... but perlahan-lahanlah makan! We talked over 'current issues' at work & at home, then she sent me home.



My body really seriously felt bad.
My Microlife BP automatic machine was really recording high readings: BP about 170/100 & pulse around 100.
I kept feeling like I was a horse about ready to race!
I seriously didn't know why I didn't imagine myself as a sportsperson on the race track ready to run in a stadium!

Then there's this fact that I was not supposed to lie down on the affected right side of my face.
BUT, I could feel my heart pumping, especially when lying down on the left side!
I imagined my heavy body stressing on this *pulsating heart!
(Reminded myself of fixation by perfusion through the heart that I did in my lab work!)

So, during the day it was sleeping in a semi-sitting position with a piece of paper folded in such a way heavy enough to anchor down my right eye lid & kept it that way by sliding it down underneath the right side of my lense.

I kept thinking, it must be the prednisone & the different anxiety within me.
No wonder steroid is considered dangerous.
BUT, maybe the machine is wrong... the calibration is off.

Deep down I was getting more scared to sleep.
The chance of getting stroke is soemething else!
I was popping the Atacand / Candesartan cilexetil 16 mg before I slept at 4am & during the day, too or anytime I saw the scary readings!
I used to take only half of that pill daily!
There were only 3 left now. I need to see Dr Selva.

I woke up at 5pm awakened by a phone call from Amzar informing that he was coming back using the komuter from Nilai because classes had not started, yet.

Saw missed calls from Kak Erah & a message that Pak Ripin's car rosak now & parked near Stadium Shah Alam with T.Mak in it! Kak Erah was already at a meeting. Aiyyooo!

Dispatched Fitrah with Aiman to the rescue & to pick T.Mak back to Abang Em's house.

After Maghrib, Suami drove us to the clinics. The lady locum doctor was there & Amzar accompanied me.
She gave me 2 days worth of mcs & advised me to go back to UMMC about my BP, etc.
We had dinner at Mahbob :)
Amzar realized that he had made decision of coming back based on wrong information. First class was to start at 9am the next morning. Some of his friends had even gone back to Pahang & Kelantan.
Live & learn... "info accepted to be right" must also mean that correct designated person releasing the info!

We went to Abang Em's house after that but T.Mak was soundly asleep. Didn't have the heart to wake her up. Promised them that I could stay with her after I sent Aiman to tuition at 8 am tomorrow morning.
Adults plan to go to opening of the big gathering :)

When we reached home Kak Erah & her friend were ready to call it a day! Of course had to show my herot face first to Kak Erah.

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